Guilt

As I sit, the guilt that lingers in my heart, soul, mind, and body, is not even mine to bear. Yet I carry this guilt for the unwanted sexual comments cut into my heart. The unwanted hands still lingering on my skin as if they were tattooed there for the entire world to see. The scared memories of turning to others for help and receiving not only questions and judgments but also yelling and hostility. Life moves on, but I still feel it all as if every moment of what happened was my fault. How could I not feel that? I mean this is a world where if you dress a certain way or if your body was made as if it were meant for sin and therefor others have a right to it more than the owner. Creating an environment where they were asking for its attitude is excepted. At some point my body was not mine any longer it had become a prize, a discussion topic or something else for another to have. When I finally had enough and claimed it as my own, I was left with the guilt and shame of what had happened. As I try to move on it seems everything that was once a point of safety and confidence has become a confusing hurtful journey on self-recreation an uphill battle just to be me again. As I am now, I struggle to be intimate because I am so guilty for something I did not do, and I carry something that should never have happened.

This guilt is not my own, over time I will learn to let it go. I will heal and become stronger this pain lingers as if the words “If you wear that you’ll surely get raped” or “Nice tits” are written on my skin. But this pain is not permanent if I do not want it to be guilt and shame come from outside places. Currently I am feeling the weight of what is not mine to carry. Over time and with practice I hope to let it go and regain what has always been mine… my body.