I used to think taking time for self-care and self-growth was selfish and a waste of time. The only thing I ever cared about was being of use to another person in some way a tool for someone else's gain. My form of self-care was to work out as hard as I could to avoid being obese like the rest of my family and to study the rest of my free time so that somehow, I could be able to understand the world in adulthood. This was not self-care this was fear and panic of not being enough or useful in any way. As an adult, I have moments where I can take time and relax but those are filled with panic and a sense of failure. Being proud of myself enough to take time to heal would be an honor yet I still feel as if I were that young girl who could not read or write at 14 years old. The girl who worked through any personal opportunity for the good of her family.
Recently I have started to ask myself when good enough will come. When can I rest and not worry? Can I only settle for perfect, even though I don’t know what that means to me? I had no answer to these questions other than the idea of zooming in on my life. Is my husband happy and taken care of? Are my dogs happy? Are the bills paid and do we have food? Are my grades good and am I at least working on my art twice a week? Is the house clean? Ect. Once I ask those questions to myself and I answer yes to all of them then I ask what I can do to grow and heal. How can I be young and not act like I am 60 years old racing against time?
The answer to that was to start doing exercise for happiness and not vanity, play video games with my husband to grow closer to him and be a bit silly for once in my life, listen to wise old people talk about life, etc. I still have moments where I feel useless and like I should be doing more because I am not fully happy with myself because before that was my motivation to change and be better than who I was before. My goal is to be happy and satisfied with myself now regardless of my future goals. My goal is to make a future in my mind that I want to work for not out of hate for myself now but for the love of what I have now and that love motivating me to be better and stronger. I am learning that self-care is not useless it is good for the soul and heart it is useful in that it gives us time to remember that loving oneself is the first step to truly loving others.
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